Whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me...(Luke 14: 27a)
You have it. Increasingly you are coming to know it. A cross. A burden that grates the will, slows the apparent progress, humiliates in the presence of puzzled onlookers.
It is not His cross. The monumental one-time offering for atonement for sin at Golgotha. That transaction required a blameless first-born "lamb". Only Christ proved Himself worthy. Only complete obedience and holiness, garbed in flesh, could suffer so intensely the wrongdoing of perverted justice of men. And purchase with blood the satisfaction of the Heavenly Father. But there is something that you desire that the Spirit will not allow you to have. Time and again you consider going forward, only to register again that inward check; only to discover again that portion of scripture which blocks your path.
It is as if you are in your own Gethsemane, your own "olive press", and you travail over your will in contradistinction to His.
"OK Father, I will pick this one up and carry it, because You have so instructed. It is mine in particular and not another's. I will bring You satisfaction in the effort. I will find somewhere in and through it your love and good intention. Because You are Father and loving and good. Somehow this will make me more like You. May I come to see the spiritual currency acquired, and may that currency sustain and comfort others in the faith."